Reflections
by SGAFan
Summary: John Sheppard looks back on his first year in Atlantis, the people he's met and the things he's done. Early season 2 story.


**Reflections**

_Written for the one year anniversary of The M.A.J.O.R._

_-------------------------------------- _

He walked along the North Pier, his relaxed, easy steps carrying him across the vast open space. Beside him, the ocean lapped gently on the edges of the pier and above him, the warm, spring sun shined down, its gentle heat soothing him. At the apex of the pier he stopped, his hands coming to rest on the railing. He leaned on his forearms and gazed out over the ocean. A soft breeze caressed his face and ruffled his hair. John closed his eyes and smiled, relishing the time alone. It was shaping out to be a beautiful, temperate day, but beyond that, today had a significant meaning. John's thoughts drifted back through the months they'd been in Atlantis, all the way back to the beginning. 

One year ago today, he'd stepped through the Stargate from Earth and into the gate room on Atlantis. One year ago today he'd arrived here...one year ago today, the greatest, most profound period of his life had begun.

He closed his eyes, the gentle break of ocean waves against the pier further relaxing him. His mind wandered...pondered his time in Pegasus and how their presence…his presence had shaped the future of the galaxy. John chuckled and shook his head. Part of him felt enormously conceited to think that he alone had such an influence on the destiny of an entire galaxy, but his thoughts wandered over it nonetheless. His smile faded. They'd awakened the Wraith early…hell **he'd** woke the Wraith early. Millions of people, across the entire galaxy, felt the fallout from that. John shook his head. He'd come to terms with that, finally, and refused to go down that road again. The validation he'd received from Colonel Everett had gone a long way towards him accepting the mistakes that he'd made…and the decisions he'd been forced to make. There was no handbook, no rules to guide any of them. John chuckled cynically. Not that he'd be apt to follow those rules anyway. It was no small miracle that he'd made Lieutenant Colonel…

John's thoughts centered on his promotion…a twist of events that still baffled him. He'd never asked to be promoted; yet here he was. Cynically, John shook his head, his right eyebrow climbing up his forehead. Part of him didn't want the promotion, but then again, part of him insisted he was crazy to come back here in the first place. Again, John's thoughts drifted back over the past year…and how close he'd come to death more than once.

A strong sense of reflection settled over him, stirred by his memories. So many thoughts passed through his head, but one stuck with him. He could still feel the Jumper's controls in his hands…see the Hive ship looming before him…feel his death approaching. John closed his eyes and pulled in a deep breath of fresh air…something, when he was alone in the Jumper, he never thought he'd do again. He slowly opened his eyes and stared out over the ocean. Only a few months behind him, those feelings were still strong. He'd been ready to give his life that day, even though part of him had screamed loudly not to do it…to live…to survive. John treasured life, his own included, but at that moment, he'd been ready to give it up, to sacrifice his own for others.

Once again, leaning on his forearms, John gently laced his fingers together and stared downward, watching the soft ocean waves break against the edge of the pier. As always, facing death had forced him to evaluate his life. Why had he done it?

The corner of John's mouth curled up in an amused smile as the standard answers flashed through his head. The Wraith wanted Earth. He'd done it to save the Milky Way Galaxy from them. There was no other way to stop the Hive ships. To save the lives of the expedition team…

John's smile faded as his thoughts lingered on that final reason. The expedition team. His thoughts centered on the people that had surrounded his life in the last year. Again, he smiled as he reflected back on that fateful day, one year ago. He remembered the first time he saw Elizabeth Weir, and wondered how such a quiet civilian woman could lead this expedition. And then there was Rodney McKay, obnoxious, arrogant, opinionated and generally irritating.

"_Even with the six symbols Lieutenant Ford provided, there are still hundreds of permutations…"_

_"720"_

_"Yes, I knew that of course…I'm just surprised you did…"_

Sheppard chuckled. He'd been bound and determined to stay away from McKay as much as possible, yet somehow the acerbic doctor had ended up on his team. John's assessment of McKay had been right…but incomplete. Beneath the surface, Rodney was a good man and even in some ways, much to John's initial surprise, a brave one. McKay had a reason to be so arrogant…he usually **was** right. John winced, reminding himself never to tell Rodney that. In the end, it was all of those reasons that had influenced John's decision to bring McKay onto his team. In spite of himself, John realized that he counted Rodney as a close friend…although he couldn't think of any reason why he'd ever tell McKay that.

Amusement turned to reflection as John's thoughts wandered to Elizabeth Weir. He'd definitely had his reservations about her leading the expedition, but John came to realize that Elizabeth was the living embodiment of the ideal that you don't have to be loud to be strong. Thrust into a situation that would make even the most hardened military commander wince, Elizabeth had risen to the challenge…all the while holding on to who she was. Reflection within John turned to respect. She'd dealt with situations, decisions and ramifications that overshadowed anything any of them had experienced before…and she done it with grace, dignity and strength. A smile of approval crossed his face. She'd even put him in his place a few times. John chuckled, his thoughts flashing back to the first time.

_"Shut up and listen to me for a moment, alright?"_

_­_He'd shut up and listened to her…and while he'd never fully agreed with her, they'd reached a compromise…and that wasn't the last time. John shook his head, his smile lingering. If you would've told him a year ago, that he'd willingly serve under a civilian leader, he would've said you were crazy. But in Weir, Sheppard found a command style that he connected with…understood, and respected. His smile disappeared. Once, along the way, he had disrespected her. Sure, he'd done what he thought was right, and to this day he still felt the end result was right…but tromping over the top of her had left a bad taste in his mouth. John was forced to rethink **how** he'd gone about doing what he'd done…and that was something that no military commander had ever sparked within him.

John pursed his lips. He'd always known he was cut from a different cloth than most other soldiers like Ford…

John's musing ground to a halt as his thoughts dwelt on Ford. John fondly remembered the first time he'd met the young lieutenant…

_"What's it like?"_

_"Hurts like hell, sir."_

The sound of Ford's shout and the sight of him jumping backwards through the wormhole, like some hotdog skydiver, sparked John's amusement. He chuckled for a moment before his smile faded. Ford had proved himself as much more than a carefree lieutenant, and John had come to realize there had been a damn good reason why Sumner had picked Ford for the team.

How many times, in facing the Genii, Kerus's children…the Wraith, had John felt…known that Ford was standing there, covering his six? Guilt surged within him. Deep down, John knew, ultimately, what had happened to Ford wasn't his fault, but that knowledge was utterly smothered by his sense of responsibility. There were many military principles he accepted, understood and followed, but engrained within John, was the one military philosophy that he openly and utterly embraced.

You don't leave people behind.

He was Ford's commanding officer and to John that meant he was responsible for everyone under his command. Ford was his responsibility. "Where the hell are you, Lieutenant?" John muttered to himself, frustration briefly rising in him, only to be replaced by blunt determination. He'd find Ford. He'd bring him back.

You don't leave people behind.

But they had…or rather John had let them. His thoughts lingered for a moment on the Genii…and Tyrus. Cowen had said to leave Tyrus behind…to go…to escape. Part of John had resisted, had wanted to impose his own beliefs and say no, but he hadn't, and as John looked back on the moment, he knew that decision was right. Did he like it? Hell no, but if there was one thing Teyla and the Athosians had taught him, was that his beliefs and values, in some ways were drastically different than theirs.

"_Each morning, before dawn, our people drink a stout tea to brace us for the coming day. Will you join us?"_

"_I love a good cup of tea. Now, there's another thing you know about me. We're practically friends already."_

John smiled as he thought about the Athosian leader. In Teyla, John had found a voice for his conscience…and a compass directing him through a set of beliefs and values that in some ways were very different from his. Living, growing and evolving in the shadow of the Wraith, the humans of the Pegasus galaxy had a very basic, very straightforward view on life. In some ways, John found it refreshing…and their viewpoints in many ways appealed to his very black and white sense of values. But she also brought a sense of balance to him…and to his team. A constant reminder that he wasn't on Earth…wasn't in the Milky Way Galaxy…and his way, may not always be the right way. In spite of all of that, John knew one thing for sure. If it had been Teyla that had fallen, and not Tyrus, there would've been no stopping John from going back. His moral stance wouldn't let him do otherwise. John considered himself reasonable and willing to compromise, but there were some things he wouldn't give an inch on…and that was one of them.

John's thoughts drifted to the others they had lost in the last year and he felt every one of those losses. Reflection returned to him. Isolated and alone in Pegasus…facing an unbelievable evil, the expedition team had found themselves in a situation where each of them had to rely on the other for survival. Somewhere along the way, they'd transformed into something more than a team…something almost like a family. Beyond a handful of personnel, John barely knew most of the team, yet he felt a bond and closeness to all of them. Even now, with reinforcements and new personnel in Atlantis, there still was that core group…the original expedition members, that shared a closeness not felt by the new arrivals.

He smiled as he pondered the amazing feats such a small group of people had achieved. The ingenious solutions, the innovation…the bravery so many on the team had shown. There were plenty of things, in the last year, they had to be thankful for and to be proud of doing. John turned, his gaze slowly traveling up the distant control tower. Growing dimmer in the bright sunlight, he could just make out lights near the apex of the tower. John shook his head. He was still trying to get used to there actually being power throughout the city. He smiled. They had a ZPM, which put them in a significantly better position now, than a year ago. His gaze traveled over the city. They'd found technologies to help them. His thoughts caught on the almost mystical creators of Atlantis. The Ancients had left behind wonders the expedition team were only beginning to discover, and even after a year, John found himself struggling to really comprehend who the Ancients were. His smile widened, a moment of romance coming over him. Admittedly, the Ancients spawned humans, but, as the gene he possessed proved, humans were also the descendants of the Ancients. Part of him felt proud to inhabit the city of their "ancestors" and hoped that somehow the Ancients, if they even knew, would feel the same pride.

He shook off the romantic mood and again pondered the last year. They'd made mistakes, sure, but they'd also made progress…worked towards the goal of understanding the Ancients, their technology and their philosophies. They'd made progress against the Wraith…John chuckled to himself. Progress? Maybe. At the very least they'd pissed the Wraith off royally. Whether or not that was a good or bad thing, John wasn't sure. But, they'd also made friends, explored parts of a new galaxy, and realized things about themselves they hadn't known before. John sighed deeply. Perhaps that realization was part of their journey…and part of understanding the enlightenment of Ascension…that next plane of existence beyond death, the Ancients had achieved.

His thoughts coming full circle, John once again found his mind lingering on his "suicide" mission. There were so many reasons why he'd done it, not the least of which was to do anything to stop the Wraith from gaining access to Earth, but John came to realize that more than anything, he'd been driven to protect the people he cared about…the people that had become his family. For them, he would do anything.

"_You are a warrior among your people. One who's trained to defend and protect them."_

"_I guess you could say that."_

"_Would you not willingly give your life if it were necessary?"_

"_It'd have to be really necessary."_

A reflective smile crossed his face. Never in his life, had he ever found a good enough reason to die, although he'd always suspected that deep down, he had what it took to make that choice. He'd never known for sure, but how could anyone? It was something you never really knew until faced with the choice…the moment of truth. But when that moment came, John had seen everything so clearly. Strangely, he'd felt tranquil, calm…content. He'd known his choice was right, he'd known that someone had to do something…and he'd known that he'd found that one, really good reason. A sense of wholeness swept through him and with it, contentment. He felt content to know that he had what it took to make that ultimate sacrifice…and he felt wholeness within himself because he was involved in something…and with some people…that were worth it.

Slowly, a smile spread across his face as pushed his hands deep into his pants pockets and again gazed out over the ocean. What would the next year bring? He wondered. Arching his brows, Sheppard chuckled before turning and heading back across the Pier. Whatever the next year or the years to come had in store for them, John knew one thing for sure…it wouldn't be boring.

_Author's Notes: All lines in italics are directly from the Stargate Atlantis episodes "Rising" and "Childhood's End." I don't claim ownership to them!_

_My deepest thanks to MD for poking my muse to add MORE to the story, and to Sandy and Wraithette for the beta reading and reminding my muse that grammar is our friend! ;)_

_SGAFan_


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